A Note to Self:

need to start writing things down that are important. so many thoughts swimming in my head that somehow find themselves in a jam on the route between brain and mouth. probably all backed up somewhere behind the nasal cavity.

In a search for truth and wonder, for clarity and sustenance.

"Why can't we just bake bread, have babies, and start a life together already?"

I would someday like to end up on a porch, sipping lemonade or iced tea or something refreshing, have a companion nearby, and be able to look out at the trees or water or field and know that I have done something good. Something that will make a clear difference, perhaps something tangible.

I would like a job that combines German, education, food, women, and many interests at the same time.
It would be wonderful to have a home that was well-lit, that was reflective of my values, of both partners, and that smelled of love and care.

Do I not have these things now? Am I just running myself in circles, looking at different jobs, different places to live, different potential partners on the internet, reminiscing about past partners and past homes and past jobs, like they were so much better than the present?

I suppose the question is not will I ever be happy, but how do I find happiness in the moment? How can I create peace and tranquility within myself, and also confidence and spark?

How can I convince myself that what is here, right now, is what should be?

And how to balance this with the idea that change is possible, that what is is malleable and fluid, and that, if I have a desire for something, I should put nose to grindstone and make the connections and change for myself?

Will see what tomorrow brings.
One day at a time.
Keep it in perspective.
Think of the bigger picture.
Ass to chair, book to front.
Count your blessings?

All of these sound familiar, yet none resonate anymore.
Shooting for sleep.